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Lady Wins $23 Billion Lawsuit?!?

Widow: Jury sent tobacco company a $23B message

A Florida widow awarded $23.6 billion in the death of her chain-smoking husband on Monday called the massive verdict a message to Big Tobacco, even though she likely won’t see much if any of the money.

The punitive damages — $23,623,718,906.62, to be precise — almost certainly will be significantly reduced on appeal, if not thrown out entirely, legal experts and industry analysts said. In another major tobacco trial, a $28 billion verdict in a 2002 case in Los Angeles turned into $28 million after appeals.

The figure is a pointed, dramatic gesture, said Cynthia Robinson, whose husband took up smoking at 13 and died of lung cancer at 36.

dude, that’s just fucking insane.

some people might not like tobacco companies, i get it… but when did it become a court of justice’s job to “send a message” with something completely outrageous like this? did they force the guy to purchase the cigerettes with his own money, to smoke two packs a day? she was his wife, so does that make her an accessory?

i’m sure it’ll go to Appeals, and i hope they drop at least 9 zeros from that verdict…

$23 billion… geeeesh, what the fuck.

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Automatic Sperm Extractor

Automatic Sperm Extractor Introduced Into A Chinese Hospital

A Chinese hospital in Nanjing, capital of Jiangsu Province, has introduced a new machine that makes sperm donation even easier- an automatic sperm extractor. I’m all for hands-free technology, but have scientists gone a little too far with this invention?

The effortless machine features a massage pipe that can be adjusted to suit the height of the user. All the gentleman has to do is plug in the frequency, amplitude and temperature and off they go. It’s also fitted with a small screen for those feeling uninspired.

According to the director of the urology department of the hospital, the machine is designed to help individuals that are finding it difficult to retrieve sperm the old fashioned way. We’re not entirely convinced that standing in a room shared by many other people and being milked like a cow is going to help, but their efforts are commendable. Here’s to technology.

dude — it’s kind of awesome and a bit freaky all at the same time… but the question is, would you use it?

Women being masturbated at in public isn’t as rare as you might think…

(hat tip: annie, oscar)

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Luis Suarez: The Racist Cannibal

Luis Suárez Just Bit Someone Again!

Uruguay were playing Italy in an atrocious, atrocious World Cup match that saw Mario Balotelli knee a guy in the head and Claudio Marchisio sent off for trying to break someone else’s leg. But shit didn’t get real until the 79th minute.

This was the last game of Group D’s group stage. If Italy won or drew, they would advance to the knockout stage of the tournament, and with just 11 minutes left to play, it looked like the famously staunch Italian defense would hold on. That’s when Suárez appeared to haul off and bite Italian defender Giorgio Chiellini in the shoulder.

There was mass confusion at first. This was due to the fact that Luis Suárez had already bitten people twice before, once at Dutch club Ajax, and once with English side Liverpool. He’d also been been twice suspended for it. Still, no one believed it possible, as an athlete or human, to bite three people in just over three years with the whole world watching.

(He also has been suspended for being racist.)

personally, i think FIFA should ban him for life.

“Look, there’s no rule in soccer against biting your opponent. There’s not even a rule against eating your opponent. The only rule in soccer is that you can’t use your hands.”
Luis Suarez

oh, and snickers should totally hire suarez for a spot — “hey, it’s easy to get hungry out there on the field! satisfy your craving with a snickers bar.”

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog Pokes Fun at World Cup

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American Playing For Iran? WTF?

American soccer star who failed to make Team USA playing for Iran at the World Cup

Steven BeitashourAn American soccer player who wasn’t picked for the U.S. World Cup team is playing for his parents’ native country Iran.

Steven Beitashour, who was born in San Jose, California, is the only American playing for the Iranians in Brazil this summer – a decision which has outraged some fans.

The 27-year-old player, whose current club is the Vancouver Whitecaps, is able to play for Iran because his parents were born in the Islamic state.

He told the San Jose Mercury News: ‘I’m not there to cause any problems. I’m not there for any flash. I’m there for the love of the game.’

He told the paper that he understands Farsi more than he speaks but hoped his decision would help improve U.S.-Iranian relations.

Despite his own neutrality, Beitashour’s decision to play for Iran has drawn strong criticism.

well, i can understand him playing for the “love of the game” and all… but for a guy that grew up his whole life in San Jose, California — ummm, yeah, kinda weird if you ask me… hell, personally i find it a little odd to see guys playing for other countries than where they born… but maybe that’s just me.

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Introducing DSON

Introducing Doge Serialized Object Notation

DSON (Doge Serialized Object Notation) is a data-interchange format, that is easy to read and write for Shiba Inu dogs. It is easy for machines to parse and generate. It is designed to be as similiar as possible to the DogeScript Programming Language. DSON is a text format that is not language independent but uses conventions that are familiar to a wide variety of japanese dog breeds. These properties make DSON an ideal data-interchange language for everything that involves Shiba Inu intercommunication.

Some examples of the DSON syntax and their JSON counterparts:

such "foo" is "bar". "doge" is "shibe" wow // {"foo": "bar", "doge": "shibe"}

such "foo" is such "shiba" is "inu", "doge" is yes wow wow // {"foo": {"shiba": "inu", "doge": true}}

such "foo" is so "bar" also "baz" and "fizzbuzz" many wow // {"foo": ["bar", "baz", "fizzbuzz"]}

such "foo" is 42very3 wow // {"foo": 34e3}

DSON, like JSON, is built on two structures:

  • A collection of name/value pairs. In various languages, this is realized as an object, record, struct, dictionary, hash table, keyed list, or associative array.
  • An ordered list of values. In most languages, this is realized as an array, vector, list, or sequence.

These are universal data structures. Virtually all modern dog-proof programming languages support them in one form or another. It makes sense that a data format that is interchangeable with programming languages also be based on these structures. All keywords used by DSON are case-sensitive and must be in lower case.

fucking great.

(hat tip: bradley)

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Bieber Banged Adriana Lima?!?

Justin Bieber Probably Slept With Adriana Lima

i doubt it’s true, she would never do that… right…?

p.s. think i just threw up a little.

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‘Jews vs Nazis’ Beer Pong

Is this the most offensive drinking game yet? ‘Jews vs Nazis’ beer pong catches on at student parties prompting outrage from Jewish leaders

High school students in Florida have caused concern among religious leaders after posting a picture online of a drinking game called ‘Jews vs Nazis’ beer pong.

The picture, which features cups set out in the shape of a swastika and the Star of David, was apparently submitted to a Twitter feed by students from Cape Coral High School, in Florida.

The @HSConfessional post, which has now been retweeted nearly 1,800 times, also makes the claim that: ‘This is what we play at parties.’

Rabbi Yitzchok Minkowicz, of the Chabad Lubavitch, of Southwest Florida, told Fox4 said: ‘As a rabbi, I like to look at the world as a beautiful place.

daaaaamn… that really is pretty fucked up, what the hell? if i found out that jayden was plaing this “jews vs. nazis” beer pong game, i’d have a thing or two to say to him about it — and probably smack him upside the head.

#shakeshead

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Condom Calamari

Chewy piece of calamari turns out to be a condom

This has got to be up there among the most revolting food finds of all time – a condom in a calamari.

Disgusted diner Mai Liang was halfway through her fish and squid rings dish at a restaurant when she discovered a particularly ‘rubbery’ piece was actually a contraceptive.

Events took another bizarre twist when the owner of the restaurant in Anhui province, China, grabbed the condom and swallowed it.

‘It was disgusting. My first horrific thought was: Is it used?’ explained Ms Liang.

man, that really is pretty effin gross.

UberFact: About 10,000,000,000 male condoms are used every year worldwide.

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Puppy Love.

Woman looks through boyfriend’s phone, finds video of him having sex with her dog

A woman looking through her boyfriend’s phone was shocked when she found a clip of him having sex with her Staffordshire bull terrier.

Wayne Bryson, from Louth, Lincolnshire, made no excuses when police arrested him after his girlfriend handed in the phone.

The 19-year-old pleaded guilty to a charge of performing an act of sexual penetration with a dog when he appeared at Skegness Magistrates’ Court last month.

Bryson was also caught with £10 worth of cannabis, which he said he had ‘bought wet and was drying out’, according to the Grimsby Telegraph.

The teenager will be sentenced on March 5, with the maximum he can receive being two years in jail.

He was given bail on the understanding he is not allowed to be alone with animals.

WTF? seriously, what the hell is wrong with some people?!? jesus.

(hat tip: djmac)

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Micro-Aggression?

Student forced to apologize for emailing pic of Obama kicking a door, because RACISM

A student at McGill University in Montreal, Canada was forced to issue a formal apology for emailing a picture of President Obama kicking open a door–all because some students thought the image was somehow racist.

The image was actually an edited .gif, and was shown by Jay Leno on “The Tonight Show” last fall. It humorously suggests that the president may be fed up with press conferences. McGill student Brian Farnan, vice president of the university’s student government, sent out an email with the .gif and the harmless caption, “Honestly midterms get out of here,” according to Legal Insurrection.

What happened next is almost unbelievable: Another student issued a formal complaint against Farnan for committing a “micro-aggression.” For those not up-to-date on the PC lexicon, “micro-aggression” is the latest phrase of choice for leftist radicals seeking to blame racism for common annoyances suffered by people of all races. Minority activists at the University of Michigan, for example, have insisted that trivial slights, such as “Having your opinion second-guessed in a group assignment,” are micro-aggressions that betray the campus as a hostile place for students of color.

The .gif of Obama kicking a door was racist because of the “cultural, historical and living legacy surrounding people of color—particularly young men—being portrayed as violent,” according to the apology letter that Farnan was forced to write.

Technically, Farnan got off easy. Under the McGill student government’s Orwellian “equity policy,” Farnan could have been suspended or even dismissed from his position as vice president in the organization. The decision to force Farnan to apologize was apparently made by an “equity commissioner,” whose will can only be overturned by a two-thirds majority of the student government, according to The McGill Tribune.

Like a true victim of the thought police, Farnan was forced to denounce his heretical email.

i’ve never even heard of “micro-aggression” until today… wow, that’s just fucking nuts… and what the hell is a “equity commissioner”?!

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Kissing Pillows

Most depressing Valentine’s gift EVER?

Feeling lonely this February 14? Or perhaps you are a perennial singleton who fears their smooching skills have got a little rusty through lack of use.

Whatever your reason for wanting, or needing, a creepy detached set of lips to accompany you to bed at night, it’s comforting to know that the product for you is ready and waiting as a new pillow with a built-in mouth is unveiled.

The Make-Out Practice Pillow is the brainchild of Emily King, a Florida-based designer who created the quirky furnishing to offer a solution to the inexperienced kisser.

totally missed this one last week… and a “designer” came up with this idea?! g’lord man, that’s both creepy and depressing at the same time — if a chick actually bought one of these, she better get used to being single.

i’d hate to see one of these pillows after a week in the hands of most 13/14 year old boys. *blink*

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Terrorism Premium?

“Some changes were made to our life insurance policy. Terrorism Premium, $5.00″ – @jasonsantamaria

umm… yeah, what the fuck?

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Severed Hand To… Ankle?

Man’s severed hand attached to his ankle

Doctors have kept a Chinese man’s severed hand alive by stitching it to his ankle after a work accident severed it. Xiao Wei’s right hand was reportedly temporarily attached to his left ankle for a month before surgeons reattached it, largely because injuries to his arm required immediate attention before the reattachment surgery.

A report from Rex Features reveals Wei’s injuries were “severe,” with his left arm flattened in the accident. The hand was kept alive thanks to a blood supply from arteries in Wei’s leg. Surgeons were able to successfully replant it on his arm, and doctors say Wei will require several operations that they’re hopeful will help him regain full function of his hand.

The innovative procedure, known as temporary ectopic implantation, allows doctors to recover amputated limbs with reconstructive microsurgery.

dude, that’s insane… i’ve heard of some weird ones, but reattaching a severed hand to a guys ankle?!? my first thought was this had to be bullshit, some kind of prank… looks like a photoshop job, y’know? but if it’s coming out of china, it has to be legit… right?

if true, that’s some crazy shit — wonder if it’s works out for the guy, too.

(hat tip: AJ)

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Miley Twerk’n On Santa

c’mon man… now she’s twerking on santa? miley cyrus is quickly about to surpass justin bieber on my “please, just go the fuck away” meter.

on a sidenote, can’t wait to watch the Broncos v. Chargers game tonight – got a friendly wager on the game with a buddy… so here’s to hoping my broncos come through for me tonight.

drumroll.png

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Teacher Dog Sex?

Pictures reveal Maryland teacher having sex with family dog

A Maryland teacher has been busted for bestiality after sick footage emerged of her having sex with her family’s pet dog, police said.

Stephanie Mikles, 45, allegedly engaged in a variety of sexual acts with the canine over a month-long period in August 2008.

But she was only arrested earlier this year after child advocacy center officers searched her home on an unrelated matter and found pictures and video of the disgusting acts.

Mikles, who looks after special needs students for Hartford County School District, was charged with unnatural or perverted sexual practice.

feels like it’s been awhile – at least a couple months? – since we’ve had a cute teacher getting busted for fucking her students… but this might be a first. *blink*

poor dog.

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